This will be Short

I don't want to blog tonight because I'm tired and drunk, but I just want to mention that I was 3-0 tonight on baseball bets:

Phillies win: check
Under 7.5 runs: check
Hamels over 7.5 walks + Ks: check

Holla.

- Have you ever watched Hamels pitch? Dude is crazy good. He's basically Radke with an actual major league fastball and a much better curve ball. Tonight he was way off. Missed target after target and was wild as hell (for him), but still managed 7ip 6h, 2 bb, 2er, 8k. Just so good. In his next game, bet the house on the Phils.

- Dallas local NBC news affiliate has a correspondent named 'Ashanti Blaize'. I'm not even kidding. I can't even make up something more fake than that. Ok, I can. How bout Rihanna Crotchrocket. There you go.

- Did anybody ever see that movie that I think was called the Strangers? That looked creepy as hell, and not just because of Liv Tyler. Is it out on video?

- Oh and here's that Oklahoma picture Snacks keeps blathering about:

- Have you ever watched this Two and a Half Men show? It's garbage.

- Although this episode just got better because it has the underrated Melanie Lynskey in it. Look:
Holla.

- Did anybody just love that Zelda picture from yesterday's post? It's funny because Link is the hero in Zelda. Get it? Whatever. You're stupid anyway.

- You know who sucks now? Rick Reilly. He used to be pretty entertaining when he was with SI. Now that he's with ESPN, he writes nothing but weepy feel-good articles for stupid women who are weepy and like to feel good. Look at his last few articles for them: John Lynch is having trouble being retired. A high school football team in Minnesota with only 19 players just won't quit. College football coaches are liars. Something about the Chinese. Some weirdy with no arms or legs who is 'making the most of his life.' Some minor league players who 'would be pros if they had just taken steroids like so many others but they're different so they're wholesome.' Oh my god puke me in the face. It's like an episode of Oprah or the View but it's for ESPN. I can only assume all the ESPN guys who hired him are trying to find a way out of the contract.

- Baseball bets for tomorrow: Dodgers and Rays, both unders.

- You know what i really like? Machines that talk to me. Not with sounds, but with text. Like my DVD player at home. When you turn it on, it says 'Welcome to DVD World' in the little display area, and when you turn it off, it says 'Bye.' And my microwave, when it is done and the timer goes off it says 'Food is ready.' That's just good manners, and it makes me feel good. Win-win.

- You know what else makes me sad? People who are adults and own fatheads. You know the big giant stickers of athletes that are like, as big as a wall? Kids, yeah, whatever, kids are dumb. But there are actually adults who own these. Like, The Sidler. He owns two Peyton Manning ones. Two! Let's all make fun of him and say bad words.

- Confused about who to vote for? So was I. Until now: Case closed.

- Do you know who Leighton Meester is? Probably not, but she's all popular now because she's on Gossip Girl. But she was way hotter and way awesomer on a show called Surface that nobody watched but me and Theory. Surface was an awesome show and should at the very least be re-runned on Sci fi, but it was canceled and is all dead now. dumb.

- Want some Gopher news? Well it's really too bad for you then. You should probably read a blog that isn't written by a drunken retard. My life is sad.

- So the economy is pretty much in the toilet. That'll show all you people who said I was an idiot for not being able to figure out my new company's 401k plan. Who's the stupidhead now?

- Thanks for reading. I truly appreciate your patronage. Or whatevr. This was really not by best effort. I aplogize.