Six Very Important Things from Last Night

 I was going to do a typical week in review post last night, but as I sat and stared at my computer screen I realized I got nothin'.  The Twins have sucked the life out of me and I just couldn't bring myself to type anything.  I started and deleted at least three times, and then was going to watch a shark movie and just didn't have the energy.  Thanks Twins!

They've killed my brain so much I can't even cook right anymore.  For last night's meal I looked around at what we had in the fridge and pantry and decided to make a Cuban chili.  I screwed it up every way imaginable.  Actually the first step, browning the ground beef with onions, red peppers, and garlic, went well, but from there it was right down hill.  I used way too much liquid in the base (beef broth + mexican beer) and made it way watery.  Then, after the first 45 minutes or so in the crock pot it seemed bland and rather than slowly adding spices to give it the flavor it needs I just threw a bunch of stuff in all at once and it ended up way too spicy.  Luckily I have Mrs. W around, who just scooped 90% of the broth out to make it more chili-y and also cut back on the spice.  I added some garlic salt and onion powder and WA-LA it ended up pretty good.  But it turns out I'm not quite the brilliant chef I like to think I am.  Well usually I am but not this time.  Except for when I helped fix it.  Anyway the Twins are stupid.
 


1. I quit watching after the third inning because it was 9-0.  It's now 18-1 in the fifth.  Eighteen.  To.  Fucking.  One.  Feels like the perfect end to a perfect season  This team sucks, Nick Blackburn throws the ball too easy to hit to even be a batting practice pitcher, and I'm never writing about the Twins again.  EVER.  Unless they start trading dudes, then I'll write about the sweet sweet prospects they pick up.  God I hate this so much.  This is just like that time I cut my own finger off.  [EDIT:  Final was 20-6.  L.  O.  L.]

2.  It looks like we'll have an NFL this year after all.  Football players and owners apparently realized that they all stand to make billions of dollars as long as there is a season and came to an agreement to go ahead and play some american football this year.  This sort of bums me out.

Not that I don't like football, because I really do, but because there is just so much about the NFL season that bugs me.  Particularly the fans.  And can you imagine that group of fans - the kind of guys who watch every minute of every preseason game, are convinced they're smarter than every coach, bitch and complain the one week there's no Sunday night football because of the World Series, and who ignore their family for 12 hours every Sunday so they can watch the six different TVs they have the overpriced Sunday Ticket hooked up to in a room they inevitably call their "man cave" (and seriously, can we stop putting man in front of words to make up new words?  It's not a man-cave, it's a den.  It's not a mancation, it's a vacation.  It's not man-scaping, it's shaving.  And so on).

You know the kind of guy I'm talking about.  And you can you imagine this guy without football?  It would be hilarious.  I imagine these guys would just start wandering around their neighborhood muttering to themselves and yelling at inanimate objects about getting into a cover 2 and rolling the safety over or start staging fake games in their yard using lawn gnomes.  But now that dream is over, just like the dream of getting to watch scab players this year.  Oh what could have been.  Where have you gone, Brian Cupito?

3.  Plenty of other things flying around the NFL rumor mill as well, including Terrell Pryor and Brett Favre rumors.   The Favre rumor is that he may sign with the Eagles to be insurance behind Michael Vick, which supposedly makes sense because he's had a long-time relationship with Andy Reid.  I would guess we can just ignore this because I really don't see him coming back after that pounding he took last year and I really don't see him volunteering for back-up duty.  Then again, since he has a need for attention that would rival any 3-year old you know we're not going to hear a definitive answer from him, so this is going to drag out.  Again.  And dominate the news to the point where you want to stab your ears out with a spoon.  Again.  Pete Rose II just needs to die or something so he'll actually go away.

As far as Pryor, the big cheating cheater, it turns out that due to a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo that I neither understand nor have actually read, he might not get to enter the NFL supplemental draft this year.  In that case I'd assume his options would be to play in the Arena League, CFL, XFL (if it still exists), or sling crack rock.  Which is good for him because then maybe he can make some money because once he hits the NFL he's going to absolutely suck.  Spergon Wynn style.  Seriously, the guy could hit the broad side of Sarah Rue (before she sadly got all skinny) with a pass if she was standing still and he's supposed to be an NFL QB?  Sure he can run, but that's all he can do.  All you need to know is that he is Ohio State's all-time leading rusher as a QB and it's well known that there has never been an all-time leading rushing QB from a school who has succeeded in the NFL.  Sorry Terrelle, you're doomed.  And you suck and are a cheater and a bad person. 

4.  This T-Wolves coaching search is rather perplexing.  I can't quite figure out what they're going for.  The latest is that they interviewed Larry Brown, who is 71 years old and I can't possibly figure out what the upside is, other than possible insurance money from when he dies (whether of a heart attack or Michael Beasley snapping and beating him with a dreadlock makes no difference).  The other guys, warts and all, at least have something that I get.  Don Nelson is super old but likes to play uptempo which is what Kahn wants and plays to Ricky Rubio's strength.  Bernie Bickerstaff is a total retread but, in theory, would have brought JB into play as the coach of the future (too late for this now).  Terry Porter would be an inexperienced, but young (for a coach) up and comer.  Rick Adelman is just a good coach.  I've never head of Mike Woodson.

But Larry Brown doesn't make sense for the Wolves and the job doesn't make sense for him either.  At 71, he'll be 75 by the time this is a possible playoff team, and Brown is notoriously difficult on young players and point guards.  Seeing as how the Wolves are exclusively young players and have basically hitched the hopes of the entire franchise on a rookie point guard this match makes me nervous.  Yeah, he's famous for turning losers into 8 seeds, but he's also a thousand years old and will probably end up shooting Beasley and/or Kahn by the all-star break.  But I guess they wouldn't be the Wolves if they did something that made sense.

5.  Ray Rice is going to destroy you.  Since NFL teams can do shit now the Ravens released a bunch of fairly notable players:  Derrick Mason, Todd Heap, and Willis McGahee.  Mason is 100 and Heap has sucked for two years but the McGahee release is important because it means whoever the coach of the Ravens is won't have to keep him happy by giving him the goalline carries.  The Bear once said Rice was overrated because he'd never be "a monster" but now McGahee is gone, he runs for a billion yards and catches enough balls to be the next generation of Thurman Thomas, and now he's going to get the goal line carries.  Can Ray Rice be a monster?  We're about to find out.  And I think this is going to go down just like he's Kobe Bryant and the league is that poor girl from that hotel.


6.  I was hoping to ignore the Twins for the rest of this post, but then there's this:  The Nationals are after Denard Span and the Twins are listening.  Frankly, this makes no sense.  I agree the Twins should start looking to move some dudes because they suck and this season is dead, and I also think it makes sense to move an outfielder/DH because that's what they have an abundance of.  But not Span.

First, he's under a reasonable contract.  He's signed through 2014 with a team option for '15 at a good cost ($3m next year, $4.75m the next, $6.5m in '14, $9m on the option) so you don't need to move him soon.  Unlike Kubel (free-agent to be) and Cuddyer (free-agent to be), or Jim Thome (1 more year but clearly not part of rebuilding).

Second, his skill set is something the Twins don't have anywhere else:  an actual lead-off hitter.  I love Ben Revere, I really do, but unless he starts walking more and finds a way to hit the ball farther than the average girl in a co-ed softball league once in a while (and yes that's AND, not OR) he's a nine hitter with a little excitement due to his speed.  I mean really, Kubel, Cuddy, and Delmon are such similar players if you move one you're not fundamentally changing your team's make-up, but Span is the only real lead-off hitter, maybe in the system.  If you still had Gomez and he was progressing (which, by the way, he still isn't) then trading Span is palatable, even though it still doesn't make sense.

Lastly, the Nationals are not a playoff team.  They aren't making trades for a playoff push, they're making trades to try to get better for the long run.  So why would a non-playoff team who needs to build for the future trade a guy to a different non-playoff team who needs to build for the future?  Because the Twins want Ian freaking Desmond to be their future shortstop?  The guy is absolutely terrible. Might as well have just kept Jason Bartlett for christ's sake.

Look, I get the Ramos trade for Capps.  It was stupid and I said so at the time, but I at least understand what they were doing, however misguided.  But trading Span, unless you are getting back Stephen Strasburg or Bryce Harper or Wilson Ramos, doesn't make sense financially, logically, chemistry-y, physically, lineup-y, racially, or sexually.  Leave it to the Twins and that rapey dickmitten Bill Smith.  Have fun watching Ian Desmond flail about like the next Nick Punto for the next four years.

Fuck this.  I'm moving.

Oh My Sweet Jesus

Wow. Tavaris is not a good QB. And there's no possible way anybody could think differently. Unless they're really dumb. Bogart probably loves him.

Actually, he'd be a really good college QB. Highly mobile. Can only make one read and if it's not there takes off running. Routes he can throw to are limited to slant, swing, screen, and fly. Questionable decision making. Perfect for like, the Gophers. A nice step up from I-AA. Good job, T-Jax.

Additionally, how much does Aaron Rodgers want to be Brett Favre? Let's see, you have the ill advised random toss deep downfield that works out. You have poor throws in the redzone that find where they need to go (that TD pass was either the best throw of all time or very lucky - you go ahead and guess which). And, even worse, you have the constant unsnapping of the chin strap after every single god damn play. Throw in a vicodin addiction and making his wife get cancer and you get Favre. But I miss the long hair, he looked exactly like Cook, a friend of a friend. But less pretentious. It's funnier if you know him.

So, my real issue here is with Vikings fans. What the hell is wrong with you people? You embarrass me. Here are my favorite people from tonight.

1. Guy in the Vikings Crocs. Crocs are pretty much the worst invention ever. Girls can kind of get away with them, but they have boobs so they could pretty much get away with anything. But on a guy? And Vikings crocs? Do you have zero self respect? At what point in your life do you not only give up on respectable footwear, but go with a team-themed version? And it's not like regular sandals are so uncomfortable you have to go with something else. Jesus, you make socks with sandals guy look like a fashion wizard.

2. The guy in the Rod Smith jersey. This guy was awesome, and I'm not kidding. it's nice to see someone else appreciate a top 5 receiver of all-time.

3. The dude in the Chris Walsh jersey. My feelings on Chris Walsh jerseys are well documented. I have nothing more to add. Except to say just stop it.

4. The chomo in the specially made #35 jersey with his own last name on the back. Honestly, if you know anybody with their own name on the back of a Vikings jersey, you should probably sit them down and have a long talk. There's so much wrong with this I can't even describe it. When I saw this dude, I thought "How sad." When Mrs. W saw him, she said, "What's wrong with that guy?" and when Snacks was told about him, he said "did you tell your daughter people like that can't be trusted?" I mean, it's a just a sample size of three, but I think if you take a poll of America, the overwhelming majority would call this guy a douche.

5. The dude wearing the Onterrio Smith jersey. I'm not even exactly sure how to react here. Snacks said, "That will never go out of style" and I'm inclined to agree. You know, it's a special kind of flame out that involves whizzinators and what not. Also that Brody dude from the Hills is a total ass. Heidi is so stupid for staying with him. I mean, come on.

6. The guy with the Troy Williamson jersey. You know, I feel like I'm being too hard on Bogart here, but if anybody I know would ever buy a Williamson jersey, it's him. You know, get super pumped about his potential and go all out and throw a bunch of money at him and get no payoff. Much like the Viking front office.

7. Every chick in a pink jersey. STOP.

8. The guy who needed to talk about 8 thousand decibels too loudly while telling his friend about the plays that the Vikings should have called or what T-Jax should have done. Look, I think Jackson is just as horrid a QB as you do, really he is, but you aren't better, and you wouldn't make better decisions. And no matter how poorly you think the play calls are, I'd bet Childress knows this shit infinitely better than you do. He's making millions. You're in a shitty ass bar, wearing your faded Culpepper jersey with your porn stache and ranting and raving like a crazy psychopathic lunatic. I was going to say more but now I'm distracted because Audrina and LC are arguing and I'm hoping they make out.

9. No such luck. And I can't remember all the other people I hated, but it occurs to me that the perfect burger may very well be a juicy lucy, but using pepper jack cheese and cajun spices on the burger part. Dear lord, I'm going to have to try that.

The Twins are Bad

Went to the Twins game last night at the Dome against the Yankees, where the hometown team got waxed 10-1. A few, fan related observations:

1. Stop trying to do the wave. Just stop. It's not 1982 anymore. Give it a rest.

2. Don't yell things unless you're funny or clever. Most of you aren't. You just sound stupid.

3. Someone please explain to me why A-Rod gets booed, but not Doug Mientkewicz (he's on the Yankees, if you weren't aware). Why boo A-Rod? Because he's overpaid or something? Really, if you want to get into, all these guys are overpaid. I mean, the Texas GM wanted to pay A-Rod $25 million a year. You wouldn't take it? He might be the best hitter of our generation, and he's certainly in the top 5. Do you realize last year he hit .290/.392/.523 with 35 homeruns and that was considered a horrible year? MVP Justin Morneau was only .321/.375/.559 with 34, not that far off.

Now onto Mientkewicz. Why was I the only one booing him in the place last night? Did everyone forget how he left? Remember, he was an ok player who had a couple of nice years, but nothing special. The year Morneau came up, Mientkewicz went into bitch mode right away. I don't remember exactly, but when Morneau was given the starting gig, he gave an interview whining about it and saying that he should be starting because "he was there for all the previous division championships." What? Does that mean if Tim Laudner shows up tomorrow he should be given the job over Joe Mauer? The year Dougie Baseball forced the trade, he was hitting .246/.340/.363 with 5 HR in 283 AB. Morneau ended up .274/.340/.536 with 19 in 280. I think the choice was clear. Mientkewicz had a chance to stick around, be a mentor to Morneau, play in another playoff, and then get traded in the off-season and still be a hero. Instead, he bitched and whined until they shipped him off to Boston for nothing just to shut him up, and now he has a world series championship ring. If anyone should be booed, it's this ass.