Gopher/Illinois Game Blog

Yippee skippee. I feel sick before this game even starts, and it it's not from the Cheeseburger Ranch Hamburger Helper (made with Turkey) we had for dinner. It's also not from drinking, because I'm not.....oh wait. Hello Cranberry & Vodka (with Lime). How did you get in my hand? Weird.

Hopefully I'm wrong and the Gophers, at the very least, acquit themselves nicely here, if not squeak out a win. Gophers need to play tough man-to-man defense, and get into the lane on offense in order to win. On to the game, Illinois favored by eight, I have no money on the game.

- I really hope the bad Illinois shows up tonight. And the good Gophers I suppose as well.

- Good start - two handed slam by DJ on a nice feed from Ralph. Points in the paint - good trend.

- They are continuing to attack inside and have a 5-2 lead with 17:30 left and haven't shot a three yet. I would be just fine if they don't shoot a three ball all game.

- Twins are 2-0 this spring after thumping the Reds 10-4 today. And who needs Joe Crede? In the two games, Twins third basemen (Brendan Harris, Luke "the future" Hughes, Brian Buscher, Danny "the other future" Valencia, and someone named Deibinson Romero) have combined to go 8-11 with two doubles and four runs scored. I say we trade Crede now for bullpen depth. Or make him play shortstop.

- DJ with an incredible stretch, scoring a fast break layup then getting a steal for a dunk to stretch the lead to 9-2. I am really like how this is shaping up so far, on both ends. Although it is still very early and things could fall apart in a hurry.

- God damn it, three straight turnovers - a blocked shot, a steal, and then Nolen drives and loses it out of bounds. Suddenly it's 9-7, momentum Illini.

- Wow, Tubby definitely reads my blog. Gophers really attacking in the paint right now and just killing Illinois with it. Not to mention absolutely crashing the offensive boards - and another layup for DJ as we speak, who has 12 of the Gophers 15 right now. I couldn't have scripted this much better.

- In other good news, I just completed a trade in our keeper fantasy football league for Dwayne "The Show" Bowe. The downside is that I had to give up the #2 overall pick in the rookie draft. I hope Michael Crabtree is a bust.

- Why is Travis Busch in the game? Not only does he completely suck on defense, but he's undermining everything they're trying to do on offense right now. It's clear that the focus of the offense is to get the ball inside to a big guy on the block and let him go to work. Well, Busch isn't an offensive threat even a little bit, and when he gets the ball the Illini defense just laughs. It just makes zero sense.

- Illinois on a 9-0 run with Busch in the game.

- I also want to note that the Gophers are 0-8 from three. STOP.

- Halftime, Illinois leads 28-23. Positives are the Gophers seem to have a plan in attacking the basket from the paint, hitting the boards hard on both ends, and they are forcing the Illini to settle for jump shots. Negatives are they still will chuck a stupid three far too often instead of getting it inside, are turning the ball over way, way too often, and the continued regression of Al Nolen. Despite some negatives, I still very much feel like the Gophers are in this and have a decent shot at pulling it out.

- People not named Damian Johnson are shooting 4-21 at the half for the Gophers. Oof.

- Right off the bat the Illini dump it inside to Tisdale. He missed, but I definitely like it better when Illinois was doing their Gopher impression and refusing to get closer than 15 feet from the hoop.

- A couple Illinois jumpers and it's suddenly 32-23. It's getting very nervous in here.

- Don't you miss The Bear? I do. I emailed him to make sure he wasn't dead, and he isn't, and he claims he still reads all the time but he hasn't left a comment in months. Hopefully baseball season and Dawger's insanely idiotic comments and his Jack Cust love and draw him out of his cave of hibernation.

- Damian Johnson is utterly and completely unstoppable on either end. He's like the new JaJuan Johnson who is the new Hakim Warrick who is the new KG.

- Oh good, Travis Busch is in. That makes sense.

- Trent Meachem takes it right at Busch who is camped in the lane and Busch can do nothing but Greg Paulus flop. Running tally is now 11-0 Illinois with Busch in the game.

- Fine, he hit a three pointer. Congratulations. Even better, announcer guy just said Busch is playing a very good game. Um, it's Illini 11, Minnesota 3 when he's in the game. His reason: good energy. Seriously, anybody can come in the game and run around like a god damned retard wearing a helmet at Christmas-time. But when your team gets outscored while you try to see how many times you can fall on the floor, you're not doing anyone any good. Why are people so dumb? Why do they always buy into the scrappy, hustle-y white guy thing? I want to blame David Eckstein, but it's been around way longer than that. Read this. Know it. Live it. Love it.

- Iverson might have the worst hands since Bogart's guy Troy Williamson. Or Randy Carter.

- Suddenly the Gophers are winning thanks to Damian Johnson just stealing and/or blocking everything. Oh, not any more thanks to a lob pass right over that midget Busch's head.

- Seriously, if the Gophers could hit anything from the outside at all they'd have this one in hand. But, well, they can't.

- Where's Ralph?

- Seriously, they called a moving pick on the Gophers? John Thompson would be happy. (One time Thompson was doing commentary on a game on ESPN, and he spent pretty much the whole game complaining about all the moving screens. It was awesome).

- Tubby's tie is hilarious. It's gold and maroon striped, but as Mrs. W just said, , "it looks like it's from Harry Potter." Zing.

- There's Ralph. Dominating. 42-41 Illinois, 6 minutes to go. Come on you stupid jerks.

- You know what? When Demetri McCamey has the ball at the three point line all alone, somebody should probably go and try to guard him. He got the ball, hesitated, and when nobody bothered to guard him he shot and made it. I rewound the play, and Snake's guy Westbrook was the closest to him, but just stood there like a fat lazy slug who doesn't give a crap. God that's just so frustrating.

- and then on offense he gets the ball in the corner and just holds it for the last five seconds before the shot clock runs out, and the Gophers don't get a shot. 45-41 Illini with 4 and a half to go, but I'm more than a little bit afraid this one's over. Especially since Westbrook is still in there, trying to lose. Expect him to hand the ball directly to McCamey at some point.

- What the hell happened to getting the ball into the post? And what ever happened to Hoffarber's jump shot? This whole team is one big regression line.


- Game over, Illinois wins 52 to 41. My head says the Gophers played a good game and what more can you really ask for going into Champaign. My heart says screw this shit, I'm done with this after they fell completely apart in the last five minutes by playing like idiots. We'll see who wins.

March to a Title, Game 2

I'm coming in late to the game, because the wife and I had to watch the last hour or so of Boogie Nights. Now she's off to bed, and it's time to drink beer and watch the march to a title continue. Now, I'm a bit nervous here, because I told Snacks I was going to be watching the game on Tivo, yet he texted me that the first ten minutes of the game are great and the Gophers look really good in the beginning. Knowing that I was going to be watching on tivo, and knowing how his brain works, I'm expecting the Gophers to be down 20-2 at the 12 minute time out. Let's see.

Oh, and by the way, Illinois beating Purdue just opens the door a little wider for the Gophers' miracle run. Remember, you heard it here first.

19:51 - Did I just see Jon Williams starting? I guess Spencer must be really hurt. This is not a good sign. Not the Spencer hurt part, that's not really a big deal, but Williams starting scares the beejesus out of me.

19:09 - DJ just hit a three?

18:37 - Did you know Johnson averages exactly one three point attempt per game? Seems high. As in, he should probably never shoot that shot.

18:21 - Minnesota 1-0 all-time versus Indiana in the Big Ten tournament. I'm sensing a trend.

18:06 - DJ makes two free throws, which is a statistical improbability, and he has all five Gopher points. Never thought I'd type that.

17:22 - And Dan Coleman is playing tough down low. This is not the Gopher team I recognize. March to the Title: activated.

17:18 - Spencer Tollackson's career rebounding average: 3.7 per game. 3.7. Three point seven.

16:18 - DJ with a Rico Tucker like jam. Dominating. DJ White who?

16:00 - And that's the second foul on Eric Gordon. Eat it, Sidler.

14:54 - Stemler, the asshole who hit the big three to sink the Gophers at Williams, just airballed a three. The announcers want us to know he's 0 for his last twelve. Couldn't miss the one in Minneapolis though, could you, ass?

13:42 - McKenzie hits a three to make it 14-5 and I actually jump pumped my fist like Theory playing Golden Tee. I'm a little embarrassed, but also pretty excited here.

13:29 - Although I don't know why I'm excited, this is what the Gophers do. Second half will be full of nothing but dumb plays and bad defense as they piss away a lead.

12:22 - 19-5, as Shamala hits an 18 footer. Why he didn't just end his cut a little further and behind the 3-pt line, I don't know. God help me, I'm starting to believe.

11:24 - Eric Gordon throws one of the worst passes ever. Whoever drafts him is going to be in for a looooooooong year. Please don't let it be the Wolves.

11:24 - So they throw up a graphic showing the Big Ten Assist leaders. Three Spartans, a Buckeye, and a Wildcat. But we're watching Gophers/Hoosiers. What was the point? I swear they just hit random buttons up there sometimes.

10:27 - Eric Gordon never closes his mouth. It's creepy.

9:51 - I'm starting to develop a crush on Hoffbauer. I'm kind of afraid it's ASSWIP Syndrome.

8:39 - I hate to agree with announcers, because most of them are dumber than you are, but DJ White should be touching the ball every time down. As he proves with a bucket and the foul. And misses the free throw.

6:17 - 7-0 run by Indiana to make it 24-15. Gophers starting to get killed on the O-boards. This a major concern and I don't like it. Gordon gets an o-board and a putback as I type this.

4:52 - Jesus Christ. Apparently somebody pointed out to the Gophers that they were leading. As they've completely changed their style of play. Tentative on offense, lazy with the ball, poor defense and no rebounding, and it's now 26-20. Still Gopher lead, but things have changed dramatically. How bad is it? Tubby put in Travis "Hair Pie" Busch.

1:11 - Jordan Crawford can't take Busch off the dribble, how sad.

0:00 - Good news: Gophers lead 34-27, and Coleman sat out most of the first half. Bad news: They were up 16, and the last Hoosier possession of the half showed, beyond a doubt, that Minnesota doesn't have anybody who can even come close to checking DJ White.

19:27 - Holy crap Deandre Thomas is a fatass.

19:00 - Exhibit 10 billion why this is a dumb team and Dan Coleman is the worst offender. Coleman takes a three and misses, Indiana rebound. Coleman rushes in at the guy who got the board, leaving DJ White open streaking towards the other end.

17:59 - Danny boy Coleman picks up his fourth foul. Fourth. In two minutes this team has made eight just inexcusably dumb plays. It's over. Gophers still lead 34-32, but it's over.

17:35 - I'm going to throw something.

16:01 - This half, Gophers have 0 points, 5 turnovers. And it's now tied at 34.

15:28 - 30 second timeout and Tubby is hot. I don't know at who, specifically, but I assume it's the whole team. Who then turns it over after the TO. This is sad people, sad like cancer.

12:48 - Westbrook with an excellent basket. He seems to be a second half player, maybe time to take over? He's Philadelphia Eagle Brian Westbrook's cousin, you know.

11:48 - I just got texts from Snacks and Sidler within 20 seconds of each other. I'm going to assume something awesome happens at some point.

11:08 - Sweet, Busch is in again. Only good things can come of this.

10:28 - And Bogart just sent me a text. I am officially very curious.

9:43 - I can't take it. Fast forwarding a bit.

3:52 - Started watching again here, Gophers up 50-48 holy carp westbrook for three 53-48 Gophers.

2:44 - Another Theoryesque fist pump from me, as DJ puts one back to make it 55-50 Minnesota. I believe (tm).

1:55 - Minnesota up five. Another text comes in, but I'm not even going to pick it up. If this comes down to free throws, I'm very nervous.

0:55 - Nolen airballs the biggest three of his life. Nice shot, rook.

0:43 - DJ fouls out. That is not excellent.

0:10.6 - Dan Coleman is a weak homo, and gives the ball away. Indiana ball, 57-55 Minnesota. Oh, and another text comes in. Still ignoring.

0:03.4 - Gordon fouled and will go to the line. Based on all the text messages, I'm going to assume he makes both and we go to overtime.

0:03.4 - Holy shit he missed the first one. The Gophers are going to win this game unless they're idiots, which they are, so I'm still very, very nervous.

0:03.1 - You have to be fucking kidding me. No. fucking. way. No fucking way.

0:01.5 - What? What? Oh my god. I can't believe this shit. I have no words. I feel sick.

oh my god holy shit.

un fucking real. hell yes. I told all you people the Gophers were going to take it all. Now they just run the f over the illini and we're on our way baby, we're on our way.

Oh, and Erin Andrews interviews Blake, and asks, "What was going through your mind before you hit that shot" and Blake says to her, he says, "I just knew I had to get it off." Yeah, baby.

Hey Illini. Make your time.

Oh, and here's a message to all Indiana fans, but only from 16-18 seconds. ignore everything else.



Although, if you want to watch the rest it's very similar to how the Gophers are going to treat Illinois tomorrow. March to the Title^TM Minnesota 66, Illinois 56.

I just watched it again on on espn and it moved. and then they showed the same god damn shot from his ass again.

The King

Over at From the Barn, the Iowa Hawkeye Preview mentions Chris Kingsbury a couple of times. It's unclear whether these comments are positive or negative, but I choose to take them as negative, because that's just the kind of guy I am. It spurred me to find out whatever happened to The King, as he was one of my favorite players - a clear sufferer of ASSWiPe Syndrome. Even though it was a mistake, it doesn't mean I can't look back fondly - much like that Mexican hooker.

There are a few articles about Kingsbury, but the most recent one I found is from The Omaha World-Herald. It turns out he is currently a vice president at a bank in a small Nebraska town, although he rips it up in the rec league (as seen above).

Kingsbury was a shooter, and had crazy range to go along with the crazy way he played. He would pretty much shoot from anywhere at anytime, including a 40 footer in a tie game against the Gophers with 30 seconds left which he airballed. He was also pretty much a dick, getting suspended four games over his career for unsportsmanlike conduct - as well as being cited for trespassing and public intoxication off the court.

He decided to leave after his junior, Rickert-like, and was undrafted. He hooked on with the Bullets - yes, Bullets - getting cut 3 months later, followed by the CBA, followed by Italy and then the IBL. He had an opportunity in Argentina but chose to stay home with his wife and give up the basketball dream. Which is kind of funny because they're divorced now, and you know she made him quit.

Naturally, Kingsbury doesn't take any of the blame for his fallen career, as this quote shows, "Could it have unfolded differently? I think I could have been supported by the university more, but they didn't take that approach. I can name 100 examples of guys that did things twice as bad as me where the university spoke out in favor of them. But hey, that's not their job, I guess." Classy.

Actually, I found his stats, and he wasn't even all that good. Averaged 8.1, 16.8, and 11.9 points per game in his three seasons, and did little else. Of his career 908 shot attempts, 645 of them were three pointers. That's an astonishing 71% of his attempts that were three pointers. To put that in prospective, Voshon Lenard, who drove me crazy by shooting three after three instead of driving, shot just 47% of his attempts from beyond the arc.

So, in retrospect, there's really zero reason I should have considered this guy a favorite. ASSWiPe Syndrome at it's worst. I'm lucky I finally broke free.

Evansville -2 vs. Indiana St (L)
Kentucky -12.5 vs. San Diego (L)
Alabama -12 vs. George Washington (W)
Eastern Washington +7.5 vs. UCSB
James Madison -11.5 vs. South Carolina State (L)
Texas -7.5 vs. Wisconsin (L)
Washington +5 @ LSU (W)
Tennessee +1.5 @ Gonzaga (W)
Memphis -9.5 vs. Arizona (W)
WVU -8.5 vs. Oklahoma (L)
Pitt -2.5 @ Dayton (L)
Cal -13.5 vs. NDSU (W)
CS-Fullerton +12.5 @ St. Marys (W)

and also i'm drunmk again. is it weird that's it's only 6pm
?


Yesterday: 6-1
Season: 157-129

Gophers Rule?

I'm not going to lie to you, I barely remember the Gopher game. We got there late (after having been at the bar since 9, or at least I was) and left early because they were just kicking the shit out of Riverside.

There's not a whole lot of breakdown needed in a game like this, and I assume From the Barn, Jim Shik, and Gopher Nation will do a much better job than I will. When you play a team like this, you better damn well beat them by 30 if you want to be treated seriously. 47% shooting, 57% from three vs. 30% and 31% is the way it better go down. At least I know now I don't have to give up on them completely after that FSU embarrassment.

The good news is I have beer here at home, after drinking way too much and driving home in this homosexual snow storm, and pregnant Mrs. WWWWWW is sleeping on the couch next to me, so I'm clear until she wakes up.

Instead of trying to be coherent, I'm going to go ahead and just write stuff stream of consciousness style.

- If you read this and like baseball, make sure you read the comments after The Sidler's Delmon Young/Matt Garza post. It's a really solid baseball debate. There's hardly any calling people fags at all. Check it out.

- 2-0 on Snack's college football bets. Eat it Bogart. Also, just to warn you we doubled up on the Browns on Sunday. That usually doesn't work out.

- Why do people love Gonzaga so much? It's because they're almost all white, isn't it? ASSWiPe syndrome at its finest.

- I can't list ASSWiPe syndrome as a label, I'm guessing because it's a naughty word. Geez, if you can't swear on a free system that let's you blog, I guess you can't swear anywhere. Also, UCONN sucks.

- Snacks laid ten bets last night (or this morning) at 4:00am. That can't be good. Picked Duke -9, which lost. Nice job , ass.

- I really have no opinion on the Gopher game. Nobody impressed me, and nobody pissed me off, except Maddog. It's basically the same as if I didn't go to the game at all. Other than the part where $nake wanted to play swords in the bathroom. That dude has some serious issues. Fo real.

- Do you ever think of drinking as almost like a job? I mean seriously, I have to drink today because otherwise I can't handle Snake and Maddog. And then tomorrow is football, so I have to drink to deal with Theory, LunnDale, and Dr. Acula. Then Monday is a Gopher game again, and my Old Man will make me drink. And then Tuesday is our football league, where I have to drink so I don't cry at the fact that I'm still playing touch football at my age. Christ, I seriously am just looking forward to Wednesday. Oh, and UCONN sucks.

- Seriously, UCONN has some good players, but they are retarded as a team. They're going to get shredded in the Big East.

- I swear to god, if UCONN and K State played, it would either by 20-18 or 120-118. They are the two stupidest teams I've ever seen. Tell me why we're supposed to respect Jim Calhoun again? Is it because of the championship he won with El-Amin? The guy who I totally schooled at open gym? Yeah, that's right. I destroyed him.

- Did you ever notice how chicks named Kaylynn are always hot? It's true.

- God damn UCONN sucks. Way to let them go down the toilet Calhoun.

- some quick research: Corey Benjamin (Oregon St) - Portugal, Luis Flores (Manhattan) - Greece, Keydren Clark (St. Peter's) - Greece, Curtis Stinson (Iowa St) - Greece, Curtis Staples (Virginia) - retired, which makes me sad, Ricky Price (Duke) - I can't find any information but I wanted to include him since he's the greatest Coach K player ever. Apparently Greece will just hire anybody.

- UCONN lost by three to Gonzaga because they're so stupid.

- Holy sweet jesus, Weber St is on TV on the Big Ten network against Illinois. I wish I would have bet on this game, I'd take Ill -30. Also, I think I'm probably drunk.

- ESPNU has some gay football game on between VA U and TUSK. I have no idea who either of those teams are. I'm probably racist.

- Seriously, if you ever hang out with Snake, he'll grab your nuts. I wish I was kidding. Be careful.

- Also some chick at this one bar said my skin was a 9 out of 10. Two things to take out of this: 1. She wanted me (obviously) and 2. Bogart's skin really sucks. It's like a zombie.

- Michigan might be as much of acrap factory as Iowa. Losting to Harvard by six.

- Michigan down 28-22 to Harvard at half. The Big Ten is just brutal. Easier fo rthe Gophers to sneak into the tournament I guess. What a horrid collection of shitty teams. They should just cancel the Big 10/ACC challenge and go with the Big Ten/Sun Belt challenge. Yeah, what's up now?

- Wife awake now. Game over. Have to go get frozen pizza for crazy pregnant lady. Will try not to hit anybody.

Think of the Children

I'm here to talk to you today about a very serious disease sweeping the nation. It affects young and old, rich and poor, east coast and west coast, sparing nobody in it's deadly path. I'm talking, of course, about Attachment to Small, Scrappy White Player (ASSWiP) Syndrome: The way people fall in love with the undersized white boy, who is slower, smaller, and less athletic than the other players, but by god he works his ass off, hustles, and shows true grit and determination, nevermind the fact that he is completely average or below in every way.

You've seen it, and chances are, somebody you care about is inflicted with it at this very moment. It's the reason David Eckstein is about to get paid $8 million a year and Darin Erstad constantly has a job, despite being below average in almost every measurable baseball ability. It's the reason Lew Ford received an MVP vote in 2004, despite having a slightly above average season. It's the reason people in a bar were debating Joe Jurevicious vs. Braylon Edwards that one time I was in Nebraska. It's the reason Rudy made $23 million in the theater, despite really just being about a whiny little bitch who sucked at football . It's the reason players like David Grim, Jeff Hagen, Dusty Rychart, and Zach Puchtel are so beloved locally, and the thousands like them across the country (see Errek Suhr, Indiana). And it's the reason why you STILL see people in Chris Walsh jerseys, despite the fact that there is no reason that is an acceptable shirt to wear, ever.

Nobody is immune to it. I myself was once a sufferer of another form of this disease: Partial Basketball Blindness, brought on by Outside Shooting Ability. Oh yes, one dimensional white players who could knock down the three were my weakness. The list is embarrassing, but for educational purposes I will share it here. Some of my favorite players have been Chris Kingsbury, Jake Sullivan, Chris Collins, Teddy Dupay, and Travis Ford. Luckily, by the time that little dork J.J. Redick came around, I had been cured. I've finally learned to appreciate the all-around game of someone like Francisco Garcia, Travarus Bennett, or Chris Douglas-Roberts, rather than the White Boy Three Point Shooter. It's frightening to admit, but if Jamal Abu Shamala had come around just a few short years ago, he likely would have been my favorite Gopher. It shames, saddens, and terrifies me to admit this. Thank god I've been saved.

But just because I have been cured, doesn't mean I won't stop fighting to save the good people of this land from this disease. And you can help. When you hear about the white wide receiver who is so valuable because he busts his ass on special teams, remember that he's only on special teams because he's too worthless to play for real. When you hear someone say that the little white point guard should get more playing time because he's a hustler and a gamer and can knock down the three, remind them that hustle can't stop lightning quick point guards, and hitting the open three in mop up duty is a little different than against a match-up zone against guards who are 6-4. And if you know someone who thinks that short, white middle infielder needs to be signed because he does so much with his grit and toughness, remind him that a .250 average is still a .250 average, grit doesn't drive in runs, and sliding headfirst into first base isn't hustle, it's just really, really stupid.

Help me stop ASSWiP Syndrome. Think of the children.