Gophers vs. Iowa: Live Blog

Am I blogging the Gopher/Hawkeye game?  Yes.  Why, you ask?  Not very sure.  I think the best reason is that, on the very good chance that things go south, this and future generations can study what I type and come to conclusions about what happens to a rational man's brain when his favorite sports' team, a team made of 18-22 year old kids in this case, fails in a spectacular fashion after building said man's hopes up.  A case study on a meltdown.  Some people leave their bodies to science and/or donate their organs, I do this.  Because, let's face it, I don't science would much want my body (just like my wife, hey-oh!).

20:00 - I wrote a short preview tonight because the way to win this game is simple - score points.  Attack the zone, be aggressive in transition and in the half-court, and score points.  Iowa is terrible defensively so all you have to do is go after them and score points.  Their offense can be scary but it's not good enough to outscore you if you play well.  Remember, it was just 64-62 when Iowa won in the Barn - Gophers need more points than that.

19:59 - Iowa starts in man, which is a good call by McCaffrey (the opposite of coming to Iowa in the first place) because you know the Gophers practiced against it over and over all week, so don't give them that zone right away, save it for when/if you need it.  Man-to-man leads to an easy steal and a lay-up anyway, so it's 2-0 Iowa and Julian Welch now bricks a long jumper.  Great.

18:24 - For the record, Dawger thinks Welch is/will be one of the best Gopher PGs ever, so his mistakes aren't really his fault.

18:05 - Two transition opportunities for Iowa and twice the Gophers haven't gotten back quickly.  They're lucky it's only 2-0.  I'm not a fan of Tubby's line change substitution patterns, but if you're ever going to do it that would have been the right time.

17:36 - Ralph 16-footer to tie it up.  He could still end up the best center in gopher history, you just gotta believe.

16:50 - I bet Roy Marble is way prouder of his kid than Ralph Sampson is of his.  Don't you picture the older Ralph just mentally abusing Ralph III?  Like in high school Ralph III would be like, hey dad (who was probably never at the games) I had a triple-double last night and Ralph II would be all like, "triple-double?  I used to get quadruple doubles in high school?  Why were you slacking off?  Now go mow the lawn."

16:01 - Another Welch turnover and he's out for Maverick instead of Andre Westbrook for some reason.  I don't get this substitution.  Also I want to clarify that I call Dre Hollins Andre Westbrook because he reminds me of Russell, not Lawrence.  Let's not make that mistake.

15:09 - Well say this for Ralph, he's being aggressive.  He's being terrible, but he's being aggressive.   7-2 Iowa at the first break as the Gophers look sloppier than Lindsay Lohan (that's not dated yet, right?)

14:24 - Out of the break Iowa goes to a half-court trap which scares Oto half to death so he just gives them the ball so they can score.  9-2 Iowa.  It's over.

13:59 - Ahanmisi fouled on a 3-pointer.  1-3 on the FTs.  What a dickwagon.

13:36 - Another Gopher turnover.  Every time I watch this team play it makes me wish turnovers were the goal of the game.  :championship:

12:33 - At what point does the Gophers' failure to get back to stop the Hawkeyes in transition stop being about lazy players and start becoming about the coach?  I know he can't exactly run out there yet - he's not Pete Rose - but at some point it has to be the prep work, no?

11:34 - Eight and a half minutes, 1-8 shooting, 3 points, 8 turnovers.  13-3 Iowa.  This is like Marcellus Wallace and Zed so far.

11:16 - Turnover against the press.  I wish I was kidding.  The good news is Iowa doesn't look like they have their world-beater pants on (they would probably be black Zubaz with like, corn on 'em) so I still think the Gophers can get back into this, as long as they play the rest of the game the exact opposite of how they have been playing.

9:56 - Two consecutive possessions with a shot by the Gophers, new record.  They made one, now 15-5.  Now 17-5.

9:30 - Ralphie with the hammer dunk and the foul.  Seriously might be the most aggressive Sampson has been all year.  I think he's got seven of the team's 8 points right now and has missed around 3 shots too.  I like seeing him go after it, reminds me of what I saw way back when before I was stabbed in the nuts.

8:45 - Iowa is just awful.  Seriously terrible.  There is zero reason for the Gophers to lose this game.  None.  They've played one of the worst games in basketball history - the hoops equivalent of 41-donut, if you will - so far and yet are only down 18-11 after Welch's 3-point play. 

7:49 - Iowa misses, Austy Hollins 3-ball.  18-14, and some dumb white guy just had his lay-up swatted by Sampson.  On the ensuing possession Hollins misses a WIDE OPEN three, Rodney tips the board out and it leads to an Iowa lay-up on the break.  That's a pretty rough swing, momentumally.

6:16 - 20-17 Iowa and here comes the zone.  This is going to decide the game right here I type as Welch throws the ball right out of the back of the end zone.

5:40 - I'm not even sure Iowa has a rebound yet.  Jesus these guys really fucking suck.  How the hell do they have those semi-impressive wins they have?  I'm pretty sure Penn State would beat these guys nine out of every 10 games.

4:25 - Despite all that, after a missed open three and a missed lay-up on the follow, the Gophers are still down to these assholes 20-19.  The points are just like, right there for the taking.  I've threatened this before, but if they don't win this game I'm done with this team.  This is like watching a bad high school team and Matt Gatens just hit nothing but backboard on a wide open three-pointer.  How can the Gophers possibly be losing?  Oh.  Right.  They're the Gophers.

2:32 - So I've been watching a lot of the old Scooby-Doo's with Wonderbaby^TM these days, and holy crap was that show racist.  Well racist isn't really the proper term because it's just the way the world was back then, I guess stereotypical is the right word.  Tonight's episode took place in China Town and 80% of the chinese characters were basically Hong Kong Phooey and at one point Shaggy impersonated a Chinese dude and it included slits for eyes, buck teeth, and Ls and Rs pronounced as Ws.  I'm not saying it wasn't hilarious, I'm just saying it was weird to see not only on TV but on a kids' show.  And the Gophers are up 27-24 after a couple made threes.

0:00 - 27-24 is your halftime score.  And this is why the preview I wrote for this game was so short and half-assed - Iowa completely sucks balls.  Like, they're the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked.  There's no fucking secret formula to winning this one, just don't play like assholes and the Gophers should walk.  Well they played like assholes for most of the first half and Iowa was so bad that was completely wiped out by a good, solid four minutes of ball.  So just do that the second half.  Don't come out with this stupid shit where you look lost and confused and suck.  Just attack Iowa and they'll crumble like the French - after all, Napoleon was defeated in Iowa.

Napoleon was finally defeated at Waterloo.  Look it up, noob.

19:31 - Iowa with an offensive board off a missed free throw.  Wonderful.  Great way to start the half.

19:02 - Nice hooker by Ralph.  Suck it, Ralph's dad.  Mow your own damn lawn.

18:50 -  Iowa with a terrible full-court press leads to a Sampson dunk.  31-28 Gophers. 

18:34 -  Iowa has to be the worst team in the country.  Bryce Cartwright spins, completely out of control but puts up a terrible jump shot any way and then some big dumb white just crashes over the back of Joe Coleman as if he doesn't really even understand the rules and just thinks if you can get the ball, get it.  Like letting some kind of animal loose.

18:10 -  Iowa just missed a lay-up on a 2-on-1, but because the Gophers still aren't hustling back they got the o-board and another crack at a lay-up.  Which they missed, leading to a transition 3-pointer for Austin Hollins.

17:02 - Six fouls on the Gophers already.  Iowa seems to employing the "fat kid in sixth grade who put his head down and dribbled at the rim" offense, and the Gophers are obliging by fouling them.  Of course, Iowa is fucking terrible so Basabe just missed both free throws.

16:30 - It's officialy, Austin Hollins can't shoot.  He's like 2-5 on threes which sounds good but if you'd seen any of them he's been completely and totally wide open on all of them.  I mean like, Magic Johnson just got AIDS but is playing in the all-star game and nobody wants to guard him open.

15:45 -  You're never going to believe this, but the Gophers just had another unforced turnover which led to a Matt Gatens dunk and it's now 36-33 Gophers.  In a related story, Matt Gatens can dunk.

15:09 - Iowa crowd all fired up but an Armelin three shuts 'em up.  Suck on that, corn boys.  Go home and fix one of the four cars sitting on your lawn and watch Dukes of Hazzard while drinking Schlitz.  That actually describes all of my uncles on my mom's side, who grew up on a farm, when I was growing up, so I know what I'm talking about here.

14:30 - So who's excited for three more years of Aaron White after this?  I can't decide what hurts my eyes more, his hair or his blindingly white skin.  I know white guys always stand out on the court (even on Iowa) but this is like somebody suited up Powder.  Although I guess that would be pretty helpful having Powder on your team because he could like, move the ball with is mind and shit.  Way better than having that ball-hogging Teen Wolf.

12:49 - Also now that I wrote Teen Wolf  I'm reminded I once compared Evan Turner to a werewolf on this blog, but I'll be damned if I can remember why.

12:29 - Rodney misses the jumper, the rebound goes through to Iowa dudes to the Gophers again, ball goes to Westbrook who takes it at Oglesby and crosses him over to where he has about 6 feet of room to knock down the 14-footer (and does).  45-35.  Yes, 35.  Jesus these guys suck. 

11:35 - Iowa brings out the 3/4 court trap again and the Gophers make two horrible and wild passes.  Somehow Iowa tracks down neither of them.

10:54 - Another foul on the perimeter, Iowa goes to the line again.  That's four straight Iowa points and they're all at the line.  I can't believe the Gophers are still in danger of losing.

10:24 - The cure for a struggling offense?  Elliott Elliason 8-foot jumpers.  I'm just kidding.  He completely bricked it and then scores to cut it to 4 because their slow white guy is still quicker than Elliason.

9:20 - Let's play guess the Gophers offense out of a timeout:  Did they A. Run a well-designed play that led to a good shot, or B.  Didn't even have a play because Tubby neglected to call one and passed the ball around the perimeter until there was little left on the shot clock forcing Coleman to try a desperation shot that didn't hit the rim leading to a shot clock violation?  If you chose A you are a liar.

8:56 - Remember the Joe Coleman from earlier in the year who was a terrible off the ball defender?  He's back, Gatens 3 makes it 45-44 Gophers as Joe completely loses him on a fake cut.

8:30 - Welch answers!!!  Probably one of the best point guards in Gophers history.

7:40 - Sampson's shot is slow, hesitant, and blocked and that reminds me that he's done nothing this half at all.  Just like a woman, you start praising her and talking about how much you like her and she turns her back on you and starts banging the bartender at the bowling alley.

6:23 - If a tip counts as an o-board that's two offensive rebounds on one possession for Sampson leading to two made free throws for Ralph.  I take it back.  I take it all back.  I still love this guy and I don't care who knows it except probably he shouldn't know because of the whole bartender thing.

5:27 - It's a 50-49 game and Rodney Williams misses two free throws.  God this team is just retarded.

5:12 - Basabe makes two (SEE HOW FUCKING EASY THAT IS YOU DICKHEADS) and Iowa now leads 51-50. 

4:45 - Welch with another huge three.  Nobody hits more clutch shots on this team than Welch other than if it's to win or ice the game, but from about 8 minutes left to 2 minutes left he's just nails.

3:58 - Hollins hits a three somehow and Gophers lead 56-53.  Keep up the inside-outside offense and things should be good, until Iowa starts fouling and the Gophers miss every free throw and let Iowa win.  You know damn well it's coming.

3:43 - Powder pushes Oto down to the ground (probably with his mind) on a Gatens missed free throw.  Big spot for Oto since it's 1-and-1.  He missed.  Board to Elliason.  Leads to a three-pointer by Oto and a 59-54 Gopher lead.  What a weird possession in a really weird game.  Gophers are 10-16 from three, despite being a terrible shooting team and the only thing Iowa does fairly well defensively is defend the three.  Just goes to show you that stats don't matter, nerd.  Little computer men and numbers you feed into your calculator don't play basketball, people play basketball and heart and grit and hustle matter.

2:26 - By the way I got to do a fancy work dinner earlier this week.  We went to Seven and went with the Spicy Salmon Roll and Calamri for appetizers and then grilled asparagus, truffle mac-and-cheese, and roasted corn for our sides.  I went with the Picanha steak for my entree, which is a Brazillian cut of sirloin using the sirloin cap and served with a garlic oil infusion that is to die for.  I've only had Picanha before at Fogo de Chao and it was easily my favorite cut, so to get it for an entree was an awesome treat.  Seriously, if you can get to Seven and don't order this you are an asshole.

1:55 - Hollins (the bad one) misses another three, leading to a monster dunk right in Ralph's effeminate, tentative face to tie the game at 59.  This blows ass.

1:09 - Gophers go to Sampson who is doubled and then turns it over leading to a fast break for Iowa where Welch fouls Cartwright.  He makes both.  Iowa up 2.  I really wish I grew up something gay like dancing or hunting so I wouldn't even care about sports.  Maybe snowmobiling.  That seems pretty dumb.

0:42 - Do they ever even fucking run a god damn play?  Ever?  Nobody had a god damn clue what to do on that possession!  Can anyone explain to me what exactly it is that Tubby does out there because he sure as fuck doesn't coach or recruit.  He doesn't do shit.  Honest to jesus baby santa christ he's fucking worthless. 

0:00 - ballgame.  Fuck you Tubby.

0:00 - Let's watch that possession again.  Remember, Gophers are down two here, this is a huge possession and basically the game. 

Shotclock time:

35 - ball into Welch, dribbles across half-court.

27 - to Hollins in the middle of the court, 35 feet from the rim.

25 - swing to Coleman on the wing, still 35 feet from the rim.

22 - Coleman dribbles to mid-court swings it back to Hollins on the left now 30 feet from the rim.

19 - Over to the right side to Coleman, still 30 feet from the rim.  Coleman clearly looks confused.

17 - To Welch in the center, 26 feet from the rim

14 - Welch drives and puts up a contested, double-teamed, ill-advised 18 footer that misses and that's the game.

Guess how many timeouts they had?  Two.  Look I am all for letting your players play, but you've seen this group before and I don't think they qualify for Mensa even if you combined all their basketball IQs.  Fine, give 'em a chance to look competent if you really want to, but when they spend 21 seconds outside of 26 feet from the rim it's time to call a timeout.  This is just an embarrassment.  I can no longer think of a single reason to believe in Tubby Smith as the coach.  He's terrible and he only tries about once every three games.  He was invisible tonight.  Congrats on your National Championship with Kentucky, I'm glad Rick Pitino was such a good recruiter.  What a fucking joke.  Officially an Iowa State fan now.