Piranhanconda

Well I haven't done this in quite some time (nearly a year), but I think it's time for a new Live Movie Blog.  I mean, the wife is sleeping, the kids are sleeping, I'm downing some vodka/iced teas, and it just seems like the thing to do.  Plus, if I know my fellow americans, nobody's going to any work tomorrow anyway even if you're at work so you'll be looking for something good to read.  And then when you finish that something crappy like this blog will do.

Anyway, tonight we're going with a promising little flick called, "Piranhaconda" and I have to say I love the name.  I also will guarantee you there is going to be some spectacularly awful CGI and this is on SyFy so there will be zero nudity.  Can always hope for side boob, I guess.  Glass half full and all that.  Anyway, let's see what's crackin'. 

-  Holy crap, Mr. Blonde is in this movie.  Wow.  I mean, I know he's not exactly been ripping it up at the box office or winning box loads of awards.  But wow.  Kind of hurts my heart.  But I'm over it, because one of his co-"stars" is some dude named Chris DeChristopher.  That is an awful fucking name.

-  Mr. blonde, some asian scientist lady, and some dork who reminds me of a nerdier Ryder Strong are in a jungle somewhere with a waterfall.  They don't really specify where, but there is a definitely a tree frog there because they just had the camera linger on it for about five minutes like this was an episode of Planet Earth.

-  Mr. Blonde just found some eggs and he's stealing them by putting them in a Kool-Aid pitcher.  You know what always works well?  Stealing strange creatures eggs.  And suddenly what I can only presume is the Piranhaconda just ate the asian lady and the fake Shawn Hunter.  Then the Piranahaconda ate the helicopter they got there in.  So far the bad CGI just makes the stupid thing look like a giant snake with teeth.  That's less exciting than I'd pictured, and let me tell you I've spent a lot of my life trying to imagine what a hybrid piranha and anaconda would look like.

-  Hot chick in a bikini alert.  Probably means she's going to die, and I'm ok with that because her boobs are kind of misshapen.  Probably why she's stuck in this flick and not in something classy like Zombie Strippers from Mars.

-  Some dude pops out of the bushes wearing a weird mask and flailing about with a machete.  I'm guessing we're watching a movie within a movie here, people.  THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS.

-  I was right.

-  I don't really care about hockey, like at all, but this signing of these two dudes (Parise and the other guy) is pretty bad-ass.  I might even watch a game.

-  Some other chick shows up and let me tell you what her boobs are not misshapen.  They are real and they are spectacular or at least appear to be from all the bending over this broad is doing.  Also piranhaconda is there (I still have no idea where "there" is) and bites off her leg.  She seems curiously unaffected by this, and continues bouncing around until the snake thing eats her in a cloud of blood.  I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty disappointed.  That was a nice shirt.  Anyway, here is what we're dealing with:

lol wat?

So.....yeah.

-  There is an ocean and palm trees.  Some waiter guy in a hawaiian shirt just brought drinks with umbrellas to some guy and girl who are flirting.  I'm going to guess they're in Hawaii.  Also that waiter in the hawaiian shirt was actually a chick.  Yeah, like that's my fault.

-  Some random chick was just walking in the Hawaiian (?) wilderness, saw a waterfall, and decided to strip down and go swimming.  While I would normally condone this behavior, all hit did was arouse the ire of the mean snake god piranha who then ate said chick.  And apparently this thing just eats everyone whole because they're there, then the thing moves in and there's a spray of red computer generation, and then they're gone.  No collateral body parts or anything.  Fascinating creature.  Or terrible writing/editing/cinematography/special effects.  One or the other.

-  I either missed it or it happened off camera, but Mr. Blonde was kidnapped by a bunch of probably terrorists who kind of look like Mexicans, except for their leader who is a bored looking former SI model Rachel Hunter.  I assume they are terrorists because they have lots of guns and stuff.  They also suck at being criminals because the plan is apparently to kidnap Mr. Blonde, who it turns out is a professor at the University of Hawaii (go Rainbow Warriors), and hold him for ransom.  Because doing that randomly is a really good way to make like $2,000.  Anyway, Miz Hunter still looks damn good for what must be a 50-60 year old at his point.

Stacy's mom is like whoa

-  Two college chicks are walking in the woods again and saying all kinds of nerdy things about science or whatever nerds talk about.  One is a straight up nerd with ugly glasses and super conservative clothes and the body of a young boy.  The other is pretty hot with a nice rack.  I was going to say guess which one lives but neither did because instead they just exploded in a cloud of CGI blood like everybody else.

-  Seriously, this movie is just introducing and killing random people without advancing the plot at all.  And they've already gone down the path of introducing the "bad guys" (booby mcbooberson and her gang) when the only bad guy you need should be the monster animal.  I hate this movie and we're only 29 minutes in.  Including commercials.

-  The hot, bitchy chick in this is a former Miss Missouri 2004.  This was her second movie.  Her second was Sharktopus.  Love it.  She must have some kind of giant hybrid animal fetish.  Hot.  This is her:

Remember Stuff?  That was a truly awful magazine.

-  In case you're curious, yes the Piranhaconda roars.  Interesting, since neither a piranha nor an anaconda does.  Perhaps it will fly as well like the Piranhas in Piranha 2: The Spawning.  Also guess what you guys?  Oh my god.  A second snake thing just showed up.  This is like, Piranhaconda vs. Piranhaconda.  How can one movie contain so much awesomeness?

-  The movie within the movie just ran out of money and had to shut down.  Unfortunately the same fate did not befall the actual movie.  I'm already regretting doing this.  Hopefully Mrs. W wakes up and makes me stop watching soon.

-  That same mexican Rachel Hunter gang just took the hot mean girl, the sexy main lead dude guy, his semi-aisan racked out girlfriend, some weird hippie, and the movie's director hostage.  Again, with the plan to hold them hostage.  What is this, Venezuela?

-  Sexy guy and hippie escaped because the hippy had some kind of gigantic bang popper thing.  Like you know, the thing you had when you were kids that you'd throw on the ground and it would make a small bang sound and you'd laugh and do it again and it was all fun and games until one of your friends decided he'd be a bad ass and snap one with his teeth and then he ended up in the hospital.  Like that.

-  Ugly racked out chick (not kidnapped, just galavanting about the woods with her pasty boyfriend) goes with "I am sweating like a pound puppy."  That's either a brilliant line or the dumbest thing ever uttered, and I can't decide which.

-  God this is horrible.

-  If you're wondering what the explanation for what this creature is and/or how a hybrid of an anaconda and piranha came to be in Hawaii with nobody knowing, well, I'm waiting too.  They haven't even attempted to give us anything (although smart money is always on a genetic experiment gone wrong).  Really though, at this point the creature could be a bear or a pteradactyl - there's nothing piranhaconda specific about it.

-  Mexican gang dude, "This isn't just a giant snake.  It's like an unholy combination of a piranha and an anaconda."  Rachel Hunter, "You mean a piranhaconda."  This is surreal.

-  This entire kidnapping subplot is one of the worst subplots in one of these shitty movies, and that's saying something.  And what happened to that handsome leading man guy and his buddy the hippie with the fireworks?  Come on, hurry up and end already.

-  Leading man guy's semi-hot semi-asian girlfriend just went with the "fake seduce the guard guy and then when he's all excited knee him in the balls and run away" gambit.  Brilliant.  That was like pearl harbor all over again, but now she's being chased down on some other gang dude who is wearing a skeletor mask for some reason.  I'm serious.

-  Semi-hot asian girlfriend stumbled into the anacondaronda's nest of eggs while running from skeletor.  Then she fell down.  Skeletor called her a bitch and said she's going to die as he raised his machete.  Then the snake ate him, but didn't bother to chase after the girl, who ran right back to the gang dudes.  Still no word from handsome guy.

-  Mr. Blonde says the piranhaconda is the most dangerous predator known to man, although it's clearly not known to man at all, despite the fact that Mr. Blonde has been hunting it for 20 years.  He's clearly a terrible hunter.

-  Oh, there's Mr. leading man guy, who just broke some dude's neck doing that Steven Seagal type of thing.  Only we didn't actually see it, just heard it, since dude apparently doesn't quite have the acting chops to pull off "killing someone."

-  Big ole firefight between the good guys and bad guys where nobody hits anybody else and the bad guys can't even be bothered to hit the van the good guys are hiding behind.  Everyone escapes except Rachel Hunter, who is eaten by the snake.  Shame.

-  I can't believe Michael Madsen is in this.  My god the shame he must feel.

-  The last remaining Mexican gang dude just shoot the snake with a rocket launcher.  It flinched slightly.

-  Good guys van just ran out of gas.  Naturally.

-  Hold on there's like 10 mexican gang guys left.  God damn this is going to go on forever.

-  I don't think I mentioned this but that ugly big-boobed chick and her pasty boyfriend found a cool beach to chill at but then he got eaten by the snake and she didn't know it and that was like 40 minutes ago and I forgot about her but there she is.  I completely forgot she existed.  Great job by this movie of developing characters I care about, which should be easy with the giant rack.

-  She just found the nest.  But in soviet russia, nest finds you.  BOOM, eaten.  But not before she smashing a bunch of eggs, apparently just because she was being bitchy.

-  The four still alive good guys - handsome guy, handsome's guy's semi-hot girlfriend, Mr. Blonde, and the hot and bitchy chick, just made their way to Mr. Blonde's fancy science guy boat, and the other three suddenly realized Mr. Blonde had a piranhaconda egg with him the whole time and that's why they were after him, just like what happened in Jurassic Park III.  Also Mr. Blonde just called the thing, "a species unknown to mankind" like 20 minutes after he said it was "one of the most dangerous species known to man kind."  Well which is it, dickfor?  Or is this like the whole flammable/inflammable thing?  Or regardless/irregardless?

-  FYI - guns do not appear to work on the piranhaconda.

-  And hottie mchotpants is no more.

-  Mr. Blonde somehow doubled back, with the egg what that handsome guy and his gal were going to return to the snake nest, and now he's booking it out of there and I'm not sure how this happened but that asian broad is with him and seems ok with the whole "let's get out of here with this egg" plan even though her boyfriend is still back there.  Given her past history of tricking that guy by making him horny and then kneeing him in the balls, I'd say she probably Effs over Mr. Blonde somewhere right around here.

-  Yep, she just ganked the egg out of his cute little satchel.  Then a lot of stuff happened and ened up with her pushing him into the river, him getting eaten, and her taking off with the egg.  I don't know why she has the egg when she could just dump it in the river and let the stupid snake have it.

-  That guy and that girl blew the snake's head off.  So the end.  That was truly awful.  I hate myself right now.  

- 

Hockey, Hockey, Hockey.

I'm still feeling the effects of all the turkey I ate yesterday. Well that and the pie, cookies, dip, stuffing, mashed potatoes, crackers, cheese, and whatever else got in my way. Now I plan to spend my day after Thanksgiving like any other money grubbing American. I will spend it shopping. If by shopping you mean buying several beers at the X then yes, I will be out shopping. And since I'm on a roll from yesterday I might as well throw in some cheese curds. Yum.

Mrs. Optimator and I will be attending the Wild game this afternoon at 1:00. The Wild are coming off another terrible loss to the Stars. They have lost their last 3 of 4 at home. Today they face off against the Tampa Bay Lightning. It should be close, low scoring, and boring game. Both teams are easily ranked in the bottom half in the NHL in goals for. It will probably be a total snooze fest but hey, it's hockey, and an excuse to go drink beer at 1 on a Friday. However, I was just thinking. That is actually later than a recent time with Snacks and the Todd when we met for lunch. W was MIA. More like AWOL. Back to hockey. I've been playing quite a bit of NHL 09 on the playstation lately and being the rube that I am I have to play as the Wild. They have this guy on the video game roster that is just awesome. He is so fricken dominant. I wonder what it would be like if that guy actually played for the Wild. His name is Marion Goborik. Have you heard of him before?

There was a quality article by Mr. Reusse the other day. I know. Hard to imagine. This was the "2008 Turkey of the Year" awards column. Wouldn't you guess who took home the turkey. Good old Marion Gaborik.

"We're now ready for the Grand Turkey -- and for the first time the winner is a ghost ... Marian Gaborik.

He was invisible for the Wild in the playoffs last spring. He's been invisible for the past seven weeks after allegedly suffering a mid-torso injury in an intense game of Hacky Sack.

Between these disappearances, Gaborik turned down the Wild's long-term offer for many millions.

Sad to say, the Turkey Committee couldn't locate Gaborik to invite him to the banquet and to hear our clarion call for change. Of course, in Marian's case, change could come in the simple act of playing a game." -http://www.startribune.com/sports/35164824.html?page=3&c=y

I think the really funny part about this is that Glen Taylor was the runner up. That is hilarious. I was thinking he would have been awarded a much more prestigious life time achievement. Check out the Wolves sweet win percentage this year, 0.231. Ouch.

Moving on to Gopher hockey.

For the second consecutive week, the Gopher hockey team is at the top of the list in the nationwide polls. I'm not sure how that works after splitting and getting destroyed 0-4 in the loss. I'll take it though. I guess we just suck less than the rest.

The Gophers will be hosting Michigan tonight and Michigan State tomorrow. I'm thinking they car pooled over here to save money on gas. The Gophers should win both games handily. The Todd and I will be attending tomorrow nights game. The Gophers have yet to lose the second game of the weekend and the trend will continue. I'm happy to say that Sioux fans can't say the same. Not even if you could understand them through their drunken, mumbling mouths and their team didn't suck...or blow. I don't know which. I always get them mixed up with Wisconsin.

For those of you not at at work, I hope you can enjoy the day off by doing something other than shopping. For those of you at work, sucks to be you. I'll have a beer on your behalf.

******************************************

Ok, The Todd and I are watching this embarrassment and decided to fire up the ol' laptop. We will be live blogging the remainder of this terrible game.

The Todd and I (Optimator) turn on the game during the first intermission. Much to our chagrin they are down 2-0. Nothing to worry about right? WRONG!!! Within in the next few minutes they give up two more. What is going on here.

Have you ever wondered who the backup goalie is for the Gophers? Well we just found out. His name Ken Patterson. I'm not sure if that name sounds porn starrish or local on-the-scene news reporter. Either way, the name does not sound like a hockey goalie.

10:42 in the 2nd - Freshman Jordan Schroeder puts one on the board for the Gophers. He is a stud. Let's hope that's not the last one for the Gophers tonight.

11:53 in the 2nd - Ryan Stoa takes a stupid penalty. He should be scoring goals, not giving up power plays.

I have tought Mrs. Optimator all of the different penalty calls so she is quite savvy. She knew the penalty and the hand gesture straight away. That got us to talking. The Todd has almost no clue about basketball fouls. I just explained how 1 and 1's work. He kept saying 1 in 1. No The Todd, 1 AND 1!

The Todd is here.

Hello my peeps...I have to piss. I'm happy to report that the first Gopher action I'm able to take in this year is a complete poop sandwich. WTF. Lifeless is the best term I can come up with at this point.

On a lighter note, Optimator and I will be taking in the game live tomorrow from the Yooch against the hated MSU Spartans. If you're wondering, I'll be wearing my Gopher Jersey SANS my name on the back. I'm never too old for that.

I did my part today to stimulate the economy, good times right there. How about the savages in NY who happened to trample to death some poor Walmart employee? Jesus, I've lost all faith in the human race, I mean honestly. If you don't get the Sponge Bob Square Pants backpack for $4 off, life will go on. Pretty sure the sun will rise tomorrow.

Surprise surprise, open the flood gates...the Wolverines just scored to take a 5-1 lead with 1:09 left in the second which at this point, seems insurmountable. F to you Red Berenson, F to you. PS, the flat top went out of style in the 70s, get with the times.

I'd also like to point out that I'm 5th wheelin it right now and the two married couples are conversing about muskrats and dogs fighting in the neighborhood...WTF...now BEAVERS..."those things are BIG."

Stop the presses, the Gophers just scored with 18 seconds to go in the period...Ryan Stoa to the rescue...there's still a shred of hope.

2nd intermission is upon us with the Gophers in quite a hole down 5-2. I've been in worse situations, like that time I shat on a friend's lazyboy chair in my drunken sleep...that was EMBARRASSING. With that, I'm off to get myself a High Life Light, in a pretty decorative camoflauge can...nothing screams class more than that. Toodles...

And we're back...start of the third...still The Todd here. I just glanced and someone scored for the Gophers cutting the lead to 5-3 with about 15 minutes to go...here we go boys.

I just finished explaining to Optimators what "Wall-to-Wall" means on Facebook.

In the mail today I received a sweet Christmas card from Snacks and his wife...LOVE IT! Swear to god buddy, I've got it up on my fridge. I think it'd be funny if I took one of myself and sent them out. Yes, I'm a little bitter about a single loser at this point in my life.

We've got music rockin in the background and a little Freak On A Leash by Korn came up...ah yes, the good old days. Blind, circa the mid 90's sticks out for me for some reason.

13:22 to go here, still down two. It's hard to live blog and still watch the game. How do you do it WWWWW??

I haven't gotten a lot of good sleep this week as my parents are in town so I've been relegated to the single bed in my spare bedroom being the nice guy I am. Oh yah, and I'm with the dog (no, there's no peanut butter). He won't move to save his life so yah, I've got a kink in my neck and bags under my eyes the size of Bogart's sack.

Optimators was dead on by saying how lame it is without Woog giving the play by play. TBN just isn't cutting it.

Oooo, I think we might be firing up an intense game of Phase 10 shortly...AND, Prince just came up on the shuffle...said Optimators, "people are going to start having sex!" I hope it's me...with a girl.

I just realized I haven't showered today. Up early this morning to hit Best Buy. Oh how I love BB and schmegma i.e. fumunda cheese.

I'm happy to report I'll be starting a new cardio program possibly as early as tomorrow. DDR. For those of you out of the loop, that stands for Dance Dance Revolution. That's right, laugh all you want but I hate running and this will hopefully get me off the couch unlike Facebook and Guitar Hero.

Mmm, the McDonald's adds on the boards are making me really hungry.

And UM (Wolverines) just put it away with 9:14 to go. We'll give them that, that was pretty. Ain't no thang, it's not even December for cripes sake...lot of season left.

This is a terrible live blog and I'm 100% sure it's because I'm stone sober. I know, I can't believe it either.

I might be on my own here but I do like Michigan's helmets with the yellow on it.

Ooo and now a Wendy's add I've spotted on the boards. Did I ever tell you the time I went to Wendy's twice within 45 minutes spending about $15 total? Great day right there.

Mike Hoeffel, WTF have you been all year...he hasn't done shit yet has he? Bring back Bonin.

Best part of the night...guess the band game...I name the band...Optimator's wife doesn't hear it, throws out some band name which is wrong...with Optimators turning to her and saying, "you're embarrassing me."

And with that, we're off to play cards...good night and good luck!