- Oh and just a few minutes before this Nic Cage's character was batting crossbow quarrels out of the air left and right from about 25 feet away with his sword. And the crossbowmen had the high ground, just to add a little extra believability. I've never seen a movie try to go with that move, not even the cheesiest of the cheesy.
- That being said, this was actually a very good movie for about an hour. Nice creepiness, a good dark halloween'y feel, nothing too over the top from Cage, just a solid movie to go in the creepy movie rotation for each October. But this last half hour right here. Oy. Yikes. Laugh out loud bad. Took this movie from a 7 to a 3. Ever seen someone get hugged to death by fire? I have. Skip this one.
- also dammit! I really hate how in order to watch the Twins on MLB.com I have to trick it into thinking I'm not in Minnesota which means I have to login remotely to my work network. But if I do that it brings in a big filter and I can't get to sportsbook.com because it's blocked. Arg.
- And now it's time to get really excited folks, because we're about to watch Piranha 3d (not in 3d), the remake of the shockingly bad old version that had the ugliest naked hot chick of all-time. I'm excited for this one because it has piranhas eating people, Elisabeth Shue so you know it's a serious movie, and porn stars so you know there are boobs. Very fired up right now.
- By the way I have tomorrow off, which is why we're sitting around watching movies. You know who took the night off? Francisco Liriano's fastball, slider, and change-up.
- The menu music on this DVD is some kind of Keith Sweat/R. Kelly sounding thing and it shows a bunch of broads shaking their asses. I'm guessing this is spring break themed. I'm also guessing I outed myself as both old and white.
- Open: Guy in a boat, fishing and drinking beer (sweet) in a "restricted government area". Probably dead soon. AND OH MY GOD HOLY SHIT IT'S RICHARD DREYFUSS. And guess what he's singing? "Show me the way to go home.....I'm tired and I wanna go to bed....." Freaking sweet. Great little homage right there.
- The bottom of the lake just fell into the earth creating a whirlpool and sucking Hooper and his little boat into the water where he was eaten by piranha. Not one lick of that scene made sense. I will forgive it because of the Dreyfuss and the future boobs.
- Jesus: Elisabeth Shue, Jerry O'Connell, Ving Rhames, Adam Scott (not the golfer, the funny guy from Parks & Rec), Christopher Lloyd, Eli Roth, and Dina Meyer. Holy shit. That's a hell of a cast. Expectations raised.
- This credit sequence is pretty awesome. It's spring break, so basically they're just showing a bunch of young nubile coeds shaking their asses. Yeah. I'm in.
- Shue plays a cop. Could have predicted that.
- Kelly Brook too. Her to 12 year old girl, "Nice phone." 12 year old girl, "Nice boobs." Freakin' perv.
- Mrs. W keeps talking over this movie as if it's just some movie. I don't think she gets this is Piranha 3d and I've been waiting for this movie my whole life.
- Jerry O'Connell just showed up. He's apparently a girls gone wild producer type guy, which is already probably the most realistic thing in this whole movie. Seriously that movie where he (possibly) rapes Tara Reid that I think is called Body Shots? I bet he's done that like 20 times in real life. And probably used drugs at least half of them.
- Creepy O'Connell hired some local kid to help him out with the girls gone wild filming tomorrow. That local kid's mom? Elisabeth Shue, the cop. DUH DUH DUHHHHHHHHHHH.
- Ving Rhames will be playing one of Shue's co-worker cop guys. Based on the type of movie this is and the fact that Ving Rhames appears to be black I'm going to guess he won't make it to the end credits.
- They found Dreyfuss. He's much less eated than I would have expected. Actually looks more like a plague victim than anything else. Shue is contemplating closing the lake, but it's spring break so it's going to be tough since this is such a lucrative time of year. Such an original twist. I've never seen this in every other movie of this type ever.
- Some dude just cliff dived into the lake and got eaten in the face by the piranha in about 4 seconds. Luckily there was nobody else around to see that there were fish that eat people in this lake. The lesson, as always, is that you should never go cliff diving. It only results in death.
- Townie dude who got hired to do porn had to babysit his younger brother and sister. He just paid them cash money to take care of themselves so he could do the porn thing. I bet that won't bite him in the ass later. Like the piranha, I guess. I just kind of walked into that one.
- There are a whole lot of nice butts in this movie.
- BOOBS!!!
- Chick motorboating another chick while bending over in a thong. We've definitely taken a bit of a turn here in these last 3-4 minutes.
- So Towny dude has a towny chick with that whole we like each other but neither of us can admit it vibe and she was just ripping on the girls gone wild crowd but then creepy o'connell starting yelling at towny guy to get on the boat and help him so she was irritated by the whole thing and decided to go on creepy guy's boat and drink champagne. I don't know.
- Holy crap the camera man is Andre from The League. Everyone is in this movie. And Andre is wearing a stupid hat and has zinc oxide covering his nose. This movie is almost too self aware to make fun of.
- Those two chicks from before just decided that swimming in no swimsuits is way more fun than swimming in any swimsuits. No complaints here.
- We now have two broads swimming in full frontal and full backal nudity set to opera music with the blue background of the water highlighted by sunlight, and the nudity complimented by dark blue swim fins. I've been trying to come up with a sentence to complete this entry but I'm just going to leave it without one because there's no way I can write anything here.
- The two dudes who wrote this also wrote Sorority Row which was a pretty solid flick and, although I don't remember any nudity it did feature Audrina who basically counts for nudity even if she's clothed since she's basically walking sex. Her and J-Woww.
- Speaking of J-Woww I think Season 4 started tonight and I neither watched nor Tivo'd it. I think I'm over it. Not J-Woww, of course, because I'll always love her with my ding dong, but over the show. Enough already, am I right?
- I just looked up the poster for this to post at the top of this post. Might as well be the Jaws poster. Nice.
- Speaking of looking things up, here are those chicks who were skinny dipping for 7 minutes straight. Only $1 per night at Redbox people.
- The piranha are growling. They're growling like rabid dogs. And they look like prehistoric coelecanths that had sex with piranhas and made babies with red eyes and a thirst for blood. Which I suppose they might be, since this movie hasn't explained why there are piranhas that suddenly appeared in a Texas lake after an earthquake at a government facility. Well when you type it all up like that this movie doesn't make much of any sense.
- I'm guessing we're done with the happy fun plot set-up full of boobs and butts and jokes and Jerry O'Connell and are about to get to the killing and the screaming and blood. Mostly because we are halfway through the movie and it's about time to get rolling, and also because two divers in Miz Shue's employ just discovered a giant cache of piranha eggs and then got their faces eaten off.by what can only be described as "one massive shitload of flesh eating fish." Maybe time to close that beach now, eh?
- God I wish I had seen this in the theater. That last orgy of fish eating people scene would have been so awesome in 3d. You know what else would be awesome in 3d? Raquel Welch. 3d is my apartment number.
- Pretty sure I tore my ACL today chasing the kids around in the basement. Between that and hurting my back sleeping I think there's a good chance I'm too old to live anymore.
- Well I guess we aren't completely done with the sex stuff yet, because Jerry O'Connell just did a body shot (ironic since he was in that movie with that name) off that blonde chick who is currently wearing a swimsuit that is made up of approximately three cloth bottle caps.
- Towny dude just did a body shot off that girl what that he likes. Good for him. Except that before he could take the lime out of her mouth with his mouth she threw up. Been there.
- Christopher Lloyd just showed up. Turns out he's playing a crazy mad scientist. Weird. A good way for the movie to explain where the piranha came from, since they were able to snag a live speciman that was still holding onto the dead, and stripped of flesh, body of one of divers they pulled out of the lake. Seriously the way these things strip flesh they might as well be called Ramsay Bolton. NERD JOKE!!
- Doc Brown says it's some kind of prehistoric piranha called Pygocentrus something or other, which actually turns out to be the genus of piranha which puts this movie already 100x more accurate than any other movie I've ever blogged on here. They were thought to be extinct for 2 million years, but that earthquake caused a rift and somehow they came up to the real life. So there you go. Somehow this seems more believable than those other movies.
- Chick is now parasailing topless. If these movies have taught me anything it's that topless chicks always end up dead and anybody who goes parasailing gets eaten when they land in the water. So this chick is double-fucked.
- I still can't get over the fact that Andre is in this. I hope he ends up the hero.
- This is pretty shocking, but naked parasailing chick just got her legs eaten off. In a nice twist on an old standby, the boat actually gets going again and the parasail gets going again and picks the chick up, but she's dead and her legs are gone from the thigh down. Nice touch.
- also a nice touch? We are now staring at a wet t-shirt contest hosted by Eli Roth, which is kind of weird because I always thought he was a fancy director guy but it turns from looking at imdb page that I'm pretty far off and he actually just directs a bunch of crappy second rate horror shlock. So it makes a lot of sense that he's in this.
- Hey Ving Rhames! Still alive. Score one for the black man. I bet he can't swim though.
- Towny guy's little brother and sister who he paid to stay home but they snuck out got stranded somehow when they lost their boat but they found them and now those two little kids are on the sex boat with the girls and their boobs. They're going to grow up fast.
- Sex boat got stuck in some weeds and is now stuck, nevermind that it's about an 80 foot yacht so that seems kind of ridiculous. Jerry O'Connell now losing his shit.
- Also losing their shit? these sweet ass piranhas at this buffet that is spring break. Hundreds of thousands of nubile young ladies and douchebaggy frat dudes, meet bloodthirsty and awfully hungry sweet ass killer fish. so awesome. This is like the Normandy Beach scene at the beginning of Saving Private Ryan.
- Too many people got on the big stage though and now it's tipping, dropping people into the waiting jaws of the hungry fish. I'm sad to say they totally stole this scene from Spring Break Shark Attack.
- Oh holy crap. So the big stage is going down and things are breaking and falling and all kinds of crap and some cable snaps and goes flying through the air and cuts this chick in half diagonally through the chest. But get this, before she falls in half the thing, since it went through her chest, slices her bikini off and it falls down before into the water before her body falls apart, so we get a nice three second shot of her big ole boobs before her top half diagonally slides off her bottom half and into the water. Freaking sweet.
- Holy crap again! Now Eli Roth is in the water and trying to swim to safety and get up on a boat, but the chick who is trying to pull him up on the boat isn't strong enough and he calls her a "fucking whore." As she's trying to save his life. And then he just got his head run over by a boat. This might be the greatest scene in the history of movies.
- And Elisabeth Shue just fired her tazer into the water and killed one fish. Nice work sheriff. At this point it's like watching the watching the Twins try to hit. Futile.
- Now some douchey frat douche grabbed some motorized dinghy to escape and wouldn't let anybody else on and was just running people over, but then he ran over some girl and her hair got caught in the blade so the motor killed. So now he's pulling the cord again and again trying to get it re-started, but each time he does so it just reels in more of her hair and brings her closer to the blade and her inevitable death. But just when you think she's definitely going to die by the motor chopping her face off they throw you a curveball and instead the motor rips her hair and most of her face skin off so she's just eyeballs and blood. And then the people tip the dinghy over and everybody gets eaten anyway.
- Jerry O'Connell's boat just crashed, again, and this time both him and the sexy blonde went overboard and got eaten. But the blondy got eaten by a piranha started at the back of her neck and eating it's way out of her mouth. Pretty bad-ass.
- Somehow this turned into a non-stop thrill ride. And Jerry O'Connell didn't die he managed to get back on board, but his legs and basically everything under his waist were stripped of flesh. He's very unhappy about losing his penis. Seems reasonable. and now he died.
- And, just to keep things classy, we get to see the fate of his penis, floating along in the lake, as if a bratwurst and a plastic worm mated, before a piranha comes buy to snatch it up. And, just to make sure everything is super classy, it then burps and vomits up the penis with a chunk missing. I wish I was making this up.
- Ving Rhames status: Still alive, but currently standing in the water and using an outboard motor as a weapon to decapitate fish. That's both awesome and stupid.
- Ving Rhames status: dead. But he got way more of them than they got of him. Sorry big fella. Racial laws dictate you never had a chance.
- Elisabeth Shue is looking very good for an old lady by the way. Kathleen Turner and Meg Ryan should take notes, if it wasn't already tragically too late. Maybe they could use a little piranha to the face treatment. It's all the rage in Switzerland.
- The brunette slutty big boob chick from earlier (not to be be confused with the blonde one who got eaten in the mouth) is still alive. I find this confusing.
- That chick, the two little kids, and Liz Shue are now going from the stranded and sinking sex boat to the good police boat driven by the guy from Parks and Rec. To get there they have to crawl across a rope suspended across the water from one boat to the other doing an upside down monkey crawl kind of thing. The piranha have also apparently learned to jump for food. So they're jumping up at the four people crawling across. They eat one but three make it. Guess who got eaten. Yep, big boobs Mcbrownhair. 'tis a blimmin' shame. She was a brave lad.
- Towny dude just saved towny chick by using Jerry O'Connell's corpse as a decoy to distract the fishies and then jumping in the water and swimming to her rescue and then getting pulled out by the good boat by the toe rope he wrapping around himself. I also wrote this whole paragraph as he was explaining his plan because since he's a nice towny boy it's going to work.
- They just took the time to make out. Good thinking.
- THE PLAN WORKED! Despite the boat not starting right away to cause false drama, it worked when Parks and Rec guy got 'er to fire up in the nick of time. Also he used a flare and a compressed air tank to blow up the boat. Took a bunch of piranha down. If you say there's half around that submerged boat and half back at the Spring Break slaughter, we're half way done.
- According to Chris Lloyd, who just examined the piranha speciman they left with him has no mature reproductive organs. These killers are just the babies. And Parks and Rec guys says, "So where are the parents" and then is immediately eaten by a gigantic piranha flying out of the lake and we roll credits.
- That. Was. Awesome. I would have preferred a little more of an ending, but I suppose they did the smart thing and ended it the way they did because finding a satisfactory ending to these movies is difficult. Also the only realistic ending at this point would have been for them to get off the lake, call in the Marines, and bomb the every loving jesus out of that lake. And that's mostly pretty boring. Also pretty boring? The James Rollins' novels lately. Just not doing it for me. Luckily, Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child's new one is out, and that's already got me all jazzed. I can't recommend those books or this movie high enough. In fact, if anybody wants the first Preston and Child book (The Relic) just email me with your address and I'll send my copy over to you.
Also you should rent this movie. Rocks.
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1 comment:
Jwow is gross now, had some terrible plastic surgery done on her face and has lost at least 30 pounds, total degen cokehead.
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